Is It Worth It?

These posts are going to seem so random and some may even seem to lack context lol.

just bear with me 😆

I remember I was having relationship issues with an ex boyfriend of mines, and my boss give me some very useful advice. He was just like 'date different people'. He said 'I dated around until I found my wife'. As mentioned in the last post, when I was younger, I didn't really have anyone give me any sound advice on dating. It was mainly because my mother and family just tried to keep me sheltered and away from the world as a whole.

I didn't begin dating around until I got tired of being mistreated and fed up with the lies and bullshit men kept spewing to me.

I hate to sound like a bitter old woman.

And I have been called that on numerous occasions. However, this has been my experience with men.

People have applauded me for "doing me" then there have been people who have scrutinized me. Those people, for the most part, have been men.

I feel like men always have something to say about what a woman is doing, especially when they are not doing her any good. It's like they feel entitled to her life even when they contribute nothing positive to it.

It frustrates me.

The person who assumed the worse about my dating life was the same person I stopped talking to because he was not treating me right. And it's like you complain and shun me for being single, but you couldn't step up as a man and do what you needed to do to keep me around. The " what you needed to do" isn't anything hard or difficult either. It's being committed to me the way that I have been committed to you. I had an agreement with this guy that we would only see one another while we were in our talking stage. If we decided to see other people, we would let each other know. I leave to go get my hair done one night, and he invites another woman over the house. I could just tell they had been fucking around. He was trying to make me feel jealous and everything; there was just too much going on.

He's in a relationship now, and I think he was subliminally trying to throw it in my face, but I'm just like I'd rather be single than to deal with what I dealt with when I was with you.

Because it's not worth it.

Sacrificing my mental health, questioning my self esteem, and compromising all of the hard work I've done in loving myself to settle for less is not worth it.

And while I am not in a relationship, I know that there are good men out there. There are just good experiences out there for me to explore outside of being in a relationship. I feel like humans can sometimes mess up the sanctity of relationship by missing the experience. Focusing more on being present in the experience allows for a person to value the essence of relationship more. I feel like we often rush into relationship without really getting to know one another; relationships can be very surface level this way. This is not something that I desire when I'm with a partner.

So I will be taking my time until it is worth it.